Feeling

February 8, 2018

Be strong. Chin up. Remember you’re beautiful and no one can tell you otherwise.

 

These little pick-me-ups started making its rounds in my teens and really do wonders on days. I admit to having pinned some in the recesses of my mind as qualities and attitudes to to adopt, cause who likes negativity in their life?

 

(Image credit: @sagevt

 

Somehow down the road though, being happy and positive, exhibiting exuberance, seemed to become a sort of moral correctness. It’s no longer ok to feel otherwise: it’s weak to feel down, needy to feel lonely, disgraceful to feel insecure. 

 

The past 2 months have been quite a roller coaster of experience and emotions. It was confusing at times, and I’ve found myself going down on a bender on multiple occasions, questioning my actions and feeling much lesser than my usual boisterous self. How do you describe that feeling of having your heart sink to the pit of your stomach, where all you want to do is sit in a quiet corner, plug in, and just let your thoughts run amok in a land of absence? I tried to find a word to describe that feeling, tongue tripping over lexis syntactical constructions jargon every day lingo-

 

Emotional. That’s the word.

 

I shrank from it immediately. 

 

(Image credit: @sagevt

 

“We don’t like negativity, it’s such a buzz-kill.”
“Come on you don’t need none of that. Stop feeling sorry for yourself you pitiful bastard.”
“There’s no place for self pity. It’s pathetic.”

 

I felt ashamed of myself, of my feelings. How could I base my happiness off someone else. How could I feel sad. How could I not have my head held high in confidence. How utterly unappealing. 

 

It could be just me, but the discourse of female empowerment and all that commercial feminism — it no longer was ok for women to feel lonely and dependent. We have to be self-sufficient, self-loving, positive individuals. There’s just no room for doubt and emotional incapacity. 

 

I mentally beat myself into shape and chirp up almost instantly. Day after day, it became a routine. 

 

(Image credit: @sagevt

 

“I love your positivity.” I held that up as a baton of accomplishment. A badge of how far I've come since my awkward, alien, teenage days. The moment I feel that visage slip I scramble to replace it. The second I feel my eyes welling I issue a stern warning to get my shit together. No one wants to know of your sadness, no one likes it.

 

But when did it become wrong to feel lonely? When did it become a show of weakness to say I miss you? When did it become normal to only harbour joy, compassion, understanding, but not loneliness, jealousy, despair?

 

When did it become wrong to say 

 

I don't know how to love myself all I

         want

  is someone to love me and tell me it's ok to

be weak as hell and just lean       over

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